she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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