I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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