We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
