Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
