The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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