is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
