ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
