I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
