I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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