dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
