new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
