My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
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Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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