He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
