I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
