my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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