Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Let's get the cat blown out
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
