My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
