I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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