Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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