Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
