respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
