Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
