that's an acceptable place to lick
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
