ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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