my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
