capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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