i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
