theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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