the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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