I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
