sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I think I just sharted jello shots
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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