broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
