these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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