The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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