So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
