Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You can't just leave with hair like that
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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