My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
The beer is more important than you right now.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
