Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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