Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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