new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
