I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
