i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
