my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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