He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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