I could have mohawked her pubes.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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