WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
