i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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