that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
