and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
