so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
