Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
