So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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