I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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