Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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