don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
