i wish peter jackson would direct porn
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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