I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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