Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
