I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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