you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
