went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
