If i come over, it means nothing
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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