my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Randomize
